irony

have you ever longed for a conversation? i had. and the irony is that I am a marketing manager of a beauty treatment company, whose job is to transofrm massage by having conversation to the media, clients and futre client. in case you didnt see the irony, allow me to underline them for you, by writing these words: marketing, transofrm massage, conversation and desperate for a conversation. u see it now?

Naturally, all i do is talk.. talk.. and talk. i spent 70% of my time doing conversation to all necessary parties to get my job done. i talked to the journalist to give preview about my products, i talk to media account executives to arrange my advertisement & promotions, i talk to our customers about the goodness of my products, i talk to my clients and try to sell them things, i talked to my boss, subordinates and my staff about everything.. so, realy i really am confused how one day i feel that i'm yearning for a conversation.

maybe the obligation of talking in my job erased all the sincerity in it. all the conversation i have to do is based on one purpose only: to get the job done. and out of routinity, it root in me. i cannot draw the line, which conversation with who is what. the mindset is now that all conversation in done to make the people i conversate with, is happy, and therefore i can get what i want from them.

god, what a sin. i bring this habbit in to my friends and family. my mind cant at all devide, whom it is i am conversing with. i'm even pushing my self on smiling, everytime i talk. god, what am i doing??

no wonder, if suddenly i missed one of those all night long conversation with intan that i used to have in my room in bandung. no wonder if i suddenly missed those hours long telephone conversation with tracy that i used to do. no wonder if i missed those serious talk with daddy about the world. and no wonder at all, if i suddenly missed those horrible disasterous bad things that we used to say to each other with the barudak pasteur.

i dont have to push myself to smile in one of those conversation. i can laugh heavily if i want to, i can cry if i feel like it, i can pretend to sleep if i feel it's too boring, or i just dont react if i feel its necessary. but whatever i do, it was sincere.

i'm afraid, i have become Yulia, the girl i once knew and didnt like at all. she's always smiling and being nice, and people was admired by this act of her. but i never liked it. something was missing. and it was sincerity.

i'm afraid i have become my boss. a freak who never smiled at all, who can change in to the funniest most decent human being when he's meeting a client. i used to admired his act, and now that i have become him, i say its not good at all.

now, i see how people, in the middle of a busy crowd can feel so lonely. because in the middle of a zillion conversation, i confess, i am yearning for a sincere one :(