Thursday, June 30, 2005
This will officially be my last posting from 192 168 0 196. yes, finally i have to say goodbye for my 2,9 years of internet protocol. all this time, i imagine the goodbye will be a happy go-go event - a chance to say goodbye to the loath that i've built for the last 1005 days. but today, as i sit in front of my computer, 2 hours before i finally stepped out of this 20th floor for good, i can't keep my mind from doing all the questioning. i am leaving my comfort zone. this is the only life i've known. what will become of me? funny. it's so funny that now i cannot think of one reason of why i hated this place so much. it's a comedy, that now i wondered what was it that made me pray each and every single night to the almighty, wishing for this despair to end. its hilarious, how i questioned, what was it that got me started the first time: writing zillion of postings in this blog stating how i hate this place. this moment, life is so funny, yet i have no intention of laughing. it's hilarious, yet i dont feel like giggling. owhhhhhhhhhh, i am witnessing how a piece of hatred should be paid with zillion of affection plus plenty of queried future. but now, would i give it up? not ever in my lifetime. i will make the same decision over, and over again. thank you almighty, for atc... and more, for l'e :)
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
fashion poem
i used to have a desire
a trench coat named love
never has it touched my heart
nor linger my very iner-sight
yet, i have call it a day
i used to have a fear
a high heel pump called great expectation
never has it proven me right
nor dissapoint me in anyway
already, it took the best out of me
i used to have a dreama croco bag labeled ideal figurenever has i fight for itnor become suicidal to itstill i wonder, what's in it for mei used to have a loathe
a ball gown titled torturing job
never has it make me proud
nor give me big fat cheque
so now, it's time to say i quit
Thursday, June 23, 2005
kurang kerjaan
why am i posting another journal, you asked?
the truth is i'm in this stage of life where i dont have to do anything. dont have to, or dont want to? arghhh, what's the different, right? the bottom line is, i am not doing anything relating to something called work.
yes, i'm now at the last 3 days of working in this company. and i'm enjoying myself too much. writing-writing and writing. and so, before i leave, i need to state what is it that i'm going to miss from this office. here we go (in random order):
- logisitik makanannya ari (i'm sure gonna miss those 'kacang ayam')
- updating this blog (i sure do that a lot lately,hehe)
- lunch with atc-jetsetter (owh, good old days are gone anyway!)
- baca mailing list vacancy (kikikik, i do have a new job)
- visit a page of old crushes in friendster (yes, it's u my love. r u in a relationship now?*sad mode*)
- cool softwares: yahoo messanger, msn messanger, im2, get right, picassa, outlook
- nonton bioskop (ow yes, we did it at office hours)
- beli dvd di ambas
- kue diskonnya jw. marriott
- ngupi-ngupi di db (atau brew & co. ya?)
- corporate look (bye-bye pantovel shoes, hallo wedges!)
- sarapan pagi & ngupi, sambil send receive email dan login to messanger
- nasi uduknya mba wiwin & bubur permatanya mba dk(hiks, meskipun jarang, tapi itu enak sekali looooooooh)
- google.com, answers.com
- baca blognya orang-orang
and the things i wont miss, for sure:
- perubahan struktur organisasi (man, they do this a lot, dont they?)
- annoying gossips (why, owh why?)
- batman as my boss
- bonus (or, reward they say?)
- the fight for managerial level (i got i now u pervert :q)
- hal-hal yang ngga adil (eh, bener kan ya, ngga adil??)
- figuring out "do they say it out of sincerety, or is there something behind it?"
- dikejar-kejar vendor (bye u guys, please erase my cell number)
- buka kap depan mobil waktu pemeriksaan di basement (this is very annoying u know. i'm just afraid it might someday explode in their face)
FRIENDS
siapa orang paling pinter di dunia?
pure personal opinion: award for the smartest people in the entire world should go to the writers of FRIENDS. why? because they are able to make me (and i'm sure zillion others) laugh in any kind of circumstances by something that is not so called slapstick funny but something hilarious to be consumed anytime anywhere with no limitation of age. (yes, the limit is not how old you are but how smart you are. hehehe.)
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
dreams to be
i found my self shaking terrified of something that i have dream of come to reality WHY? ihy am i afraid oh Almighty? isn't this what i've been urging You about? am i questioning my own ability? dont i believe in myself? or is it because i know myself too well? maybe i am just afraid that if you have given me my dreams i have no escape and myself only to blame
to l'e. my so called dreams come true. will i be able to?
Friday, June 17, 2005
life has a funny way of treating people. it has the magic of breaking your beliefs, your power and even your overloader pride. yeah, i've said that before and i will say that over and over again as i have been repeatedly amazed by it. hidup.. banyak hal kecil yang tak terduga di dalamnya. efeknya? luar biasa!!
sebagai orang yang terhitung cukup bermindset konvensional, gue sering kali banget ditakutin sama yang namanya "what will it become". GIMANA NANTI JADINYA? meskipun dari tampilan fashion gue terlihat sebagai orang yang cukup extreme, tapi kalu soal lain... hmm, ngga ya kayaknya. mindset berupa kekhawatiran ini cukup sering membuat niat untuk melakukan sesuatu yang diotak gue adalah sesuatu yang menakutkan, gagal! ngga pernah mau arung jeram atau extreme sport lainnya, ngga mau makan direstoran atau jalan-jalan atau apapun sendirian, no public vehicle, ngga mau jadi backpacker atau liburan petualangan lainnya, no nyetir sendiri dimalam hari, ngga mau kenalan sama orang-orang baru... pokoknya stick to the routine and i'll be fine.
mungkin itulah sebabnya gue diberi kebosanan luar biasa beberapa saat yang lalu. kebosanan itu secara ajaib mendorong pergi beberapa ketakutan gue. beberapa loh, bukan semua, hehehe. setelah nonton kingdom of heaven sendirian, nonton bioskop ditengah jam kerja, nonton film2 aneh ala intan (eh, kok semuanya soal nonton ya??), jalan2 di mall sendirian, and finally quit my atc job, hari ini gue dapet pengalaman extraordinary yang cukup memberi warna pada hidupku.
semua dimulai waktu jam makan siang dan diluar mendung. akhirnya gue makan sama beberapa temen, who are not my ussual lunch combo. tapi beberapa kali gue keluar sama mereka, i had fun. so i decided to give it another try today! sialnya, ga ada yang bawa mobil.. hehehe
akhirnya naik taksilah kita ber-5 ke plaza semanggi. gue & tanti plus 3 cowo-cowok i.t makan siang dan liat2 disana. somewhere in the conversation, kita mutusin untuk mampir ke mall ambassador pulangnya (whuahaha, ini sih pasti karena tau si boss ga bakal balik kantor yaw!)
setelah misah buat liat2 bentar, kita ngumpul lagi dan ternyata mendapatkan antrian taksi yang luaaaaaaar biasa panjang. di plaza semanggi gitu loh. daerah yang jarang taksi bukan? hehe, tanduk kecilku mulai keluar, dan gue mulai ngebujuk mereka buat jalan kaki nyari taksi diluar. bukan ke arah atma jaya, tapi ke arah casablanca. alasan gue sih, biar searah ke ambas kalu naik taksi!! buahahaha, termakan mereka oleh bujuk rayuku yang ngga pengen cepet2 balik kantor!
secara ajaib, kita ngga dapet2 taksi, akhirnya jalan terus sampe casablanca...kikikik, kasian tanti dengan sepatu berhaknya. sementara gue dengan santainya udah pake sendal jepit :) Meskipun tampak lelah, mereka ngga bisa ngapa2in gituh. sementara gue dengan bahagianya menikmati perjalanan dengan situasi jakarta setengah mendung.. kapan lagi coba, jalan2 dikota jakarta, pake baju kerja? dijalan si erik pake jatuhin sepeda orang coba! huahaha
yang paling tolol nih, secara mobil-mobil di casablanca pada ngebut tak terkira, kita ngga berani nyebrang langsung dan memilih muter dibawah jembatan layang. pejalan kaki muter di bawah jembatan layang... emangnya kita mobil apa?? buahahahahaha..... Finding my self having a good time, gue mulai membujuk mereka lagi, untuk ngga naik taksi. kita naik mikrolet...Whyaaaaaa, something that i havent done for a zillion years... di dalamnya gue ngga berhenti-berhenti tersenyum.
Ngga tau kenapa ya.. mestinya kan ini sesuatu yang menyebalkan! jalan kaki ribuan kilometer yang membuat makan siang jadi ngga berarti karena langsung laper lagi, naik angkot desak2an, keringetan, mendung dan jalan sama orang2 baru. so not me. tapi ternyata, saya sangat menikmatinya :) mungkin karena peristiwa ini mengingatkan pada kebiasaan jalan kaki saya pulang sekolah waktu sd ya? sd.. waktu dimana hidup cuma main..main..dan main. atau, karena perjalanan ini membuktikan bahwa ketakutan dan mindset saya tentang kesenangan hidup, salah?
erik, tanti, ishak, budi...thanks for the extraordinary experience ya. at least now i have a good memory of atc :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
no title
is it me? am i being too sensitive? or is it true that when i decided to have a look, all i see around is love? love..love...sweet old love, and never it has been mine. from a dearest closest friend who's madly in love with her new boyfriend yet old crush to a rediscovered long lost friend who turns out to be newly wed and are madly in love. From an old girlfriend who's in town for a visit who's been married for 3 years and still act with the name of love to a chatting buddy who's posting his madly in love pre wed photos and joe millionaire indonesia who's strangely mirroring love everywhere i look (eh, ngapain juga gue nonton joe millionaire indonesia ya? tapi itulah anehnya. it's the first time that i accidentally watch that lame reality show, and it has to torture me with love (toooooooo)) ah, cinta. aneh memang. setelah kemarin menjawab pertanyaan seorang teman, gue tersentak sendiri tentang kejombloan gue yang sudah mencapai angka banyak tahun (thanks a lot loh mid!!). dan entah kenapa, hari ini dua teman yang lain kembali menyinggung soal hal itu. kenapa jomblo, kenapa pilih2, harus open up my mind and my heart. pokonya semuanya jadi tentang cinta..cinta..cinta. perbuatan dan perkataan semua orang disekitarku bagaikan adegan percintaan yang diputar berulang-ulang. what a terrible and torturing coincidence. when i decided to have a look, all i see is love, and none is mine while i'm being constantly reminded of what i've been doing wrong. geez!
then i talk to him. an old stranger who's been offering me way too much comfort.
strange. but cozy
Friday, June 03, 2005
breathtaking
i thought i will make them suffer till their last drop of blood if i have the chance to.
i thought i will scream everything bad that they have done to me if i have the chance to.
i thought i will end their high dignity by making them mirroring their mistakes if i have the chance to.
i thought i will make sure that all the glory is mine and all they're left with is grief. a long and neverending ones, if i have the chance to.
now i have the chance. but all i choose to do is leave in silence. forgetting all the grief that once were mine, and the glory i once dream of. the loathe has not been vanished. it is to be barried at the deepest lowest ground of my heart. i dont let them have it. no, it is to be their treasure if i gave them my dignity.
i leave in silent mode. no screaming necessary. no verbal abuse needed. i leave with the longing glory of proving that i am worth more than they ever take me for. and it's enough.
yes, i have tendered my resignation..